My second wife has a child from the first. One of the most frequent problems is the relationship of second wives with children from the first marriage and their mothers. First children, second wives - who is more expensive. Children from first marriage second wives. The difficult joys of a second marriage when

What is the place of the child from the first marriage in the new family

Today we will talk about how to build relationships for all participants in the process so that children do not suffer from "adult games", and what needs to be done to save a second marriage.

Kirill, 32 years old: “I have a seven-year-old son from my first marriage, whom I, at his request, took to live with me last summer. The first wife married a man whom the child does not perceive. At that time, I had already married a second time. My wife is not happy and has now stated that if we do not have a child of our own, then she is leaving. We have been married for two years. I’m afraid that my son will feel his uselessness, and I’m tired of being torn between a child and a wife.”

Alena, 25 years old: “Our boy is one and a half years old. This is the second marriage for the husband and there is a child from the first marriage, a girl of twelve years. We fight all the time just because of her. Reasons: he lives in two families, cannot say goodbye to his first wife, she constantly calls him, with or without reason. It seems to him that I have a “not so” attitude towards his daughter, when asked what is wrong, he is silent. He works late, leaves early, and on the only day off he demands that I do not interfere with him to spend time with his daughter, he wants to go somewhere with her. But we also need a dad and a husband, now I have tantrums. My husband already wants to divorce me because of his first daughter.”

These two letters are a look from different angles at the same problem: tense relations in the triangle "first wife - second wife - man." Let's try to understand the situation, and for this we need to introduce the concept of "family system", otherwise - kind. What is it? The family system is like a family tree if you draw it on paper. It includes:

The person whose system we are drawing;
all his brothers and sisters, including those born out of wedlock;
his parents, their siblings and their families, and grandparents;
spouses (first, second, third), as well as significant love relationships, due to separation from which marriages were formed or in which children were born (or an abortion was made).

Everyone has their own place

So, the first and second wives are united by one family system. If you look at the drawn diagram, it becomes obvious that everyone has their own place in it. Accordingly, each of the wives has her own place in the system. And common children from the first marriage are also forever in their place. As well as children from a second marriage - in their place.

Talking about this system, I deliberately do not use the term "ex" wife, since there are no "former" in the family system, it includes all its members, even the dead. And wives and husbands have places in it: first, second, third. But not like on a podium, but only talking about the order of appearance in it.

When people divorce, they cease to be husband and wife, but remain forever the first husband and first wife in the family system common to them. And they will forever remain the parents of their children. The laws of the family system are as follows: the one who came later must respect the one who was already before him. This means that the first wife is always in her place. The second wife does not take her place, she has her own place in the system - under the second number. If the second wife understands this, then this marriage is usually quite stable. If there is no understanding, and a woman tries to be in a place that does not belong to her, the marriage falls apart sooner or later.

The same is true with children. If a spouse does not respect children from her first marriage and wants common children to be “higher” for her man, then this is a great pride, which will lead to divorce. The first child will always be the first. Subsequent children have their own places. Trying to “shove” your child into a place that does not belong to him means digging a hole in marriage with your own hands. This is a recommendation for Alena, the heroine of one of our stories. If you want to save your marriage, respect your first wife, your eldest child. Let your husband decide for himself how much he communicates with her. Some start to panic when they hear such a recommendation. “Yes, he is completely unbelted! He will only spend time there if I don’t restrain him!” they say. But in reality, it's not like that at all. If you try to bind a person, then he will try to escape. And the one who is free should not be torn, and the system comes to a comfortable balance: a man gladly devotes time to both the child from his first marriage and his second family.

In this situation, a man can be recommended this: do not succumb to provocations and manipulations. For example, in the story of Cyril, his wife claims roles that she has no right to occupy. Only a woman's respect for her first wife and for her first child will make a marriage stable. If not, parting is only a matter of time and patience.

A second marriage is always possible only at the expense of the first. Especially in those cases when the relationship that led to the second marriage begins even during the period of relevance of the first. In order for a new marriage to work, the spouses need to admit their part of the blame for the fact that their happiness is possible only at the expense of the first wife and children (and also at the expense of the first husband, if the woman was also married). Such recognition should develop into respect. Sometimes it is very difficult, because the abandoned woman says and does something for which it is difficult to respect her. But it is worth understanding that this is out of desperation. At this moment, the second wives and husbands think with relief: “Since she behaves like this, then we are not to blame for anything and it is right that the divorce happened. Is it possible to live with such a person? But this thought is very dangerous. Respect for the first wife should be maintained, and then sooner or later it will bring its "dividends".

Olga, 24 years old: “My young man has been divorced for six months, they have a son 1.5 years old. He loves the child very much and comes there every Sunday, plays with him, helps financially. I don't mind them dating my son, but his ex-wife still loves him. She always calls him herself, asks if he will come to them for the weekend, constantly writes him all sorts of nonsense, what happens to the child, how he got up and fell, what he ate, where he crawled. Gets him every way! This irritates me greatly. It seems that when he comes to them, she rejoices more for herself than for her son. He also says that he will wait for him as long as it takes. She seems to be trying all the time to find a crack in our relationship and destroy, quarrel us. He consoles me in every possible way, swears that he will never return to her, that he loves only me and no one else is needed, that I am an ideal for him. But I still do not find a place for myself when he is there.

So, we have before us the standard, if I may say so, experiences typical of second wives or new girlfriends of men. How to behave towards the first wife and children from the first marriage in order to maintain a relationship with the beloved man?

1. You must accept your husband along with past marriages and children from them. The past is something that cannot be undone. If you do not accept his past, then you do not accept him completely ("here - I love, but here - I do not love"). You knew about your husband's past and you have to live with him.

2. It must be remembered that his former wife is not obliged to take care of your psychological well-being. She has her own truth, she does not care about your feelings, she will not take them into account, and you should not hope for a single minute.

3. If you have aggression towards her, then this feeling is guilt that you do not allow yourself to come to the fore. She is the victim in this situation. Only at her expense and at the expense of their common child do you build your relationship. Treat it with responsibility and respect.

4. The first wife and your husband have the right to communicate about the upbringing of their children. Moreover, they must do so in order to preserve the welfare of the children. The first wife has the right to call your house, tell your father about what is happening to them, and ask for help if necessary. Be loyal.

5. Do not limit your spouse in communicating with children from his first marriage. Try to establish communication with children, but communication, and not just giving gifts, sweets and entertainment. It may be that the first wife will be against the fact that the child communicates with you. This is especially true in the first year after a divorce. Do not insist or be offended, let the father communicate on his own.

6. Remember that a man who, for the sake of his second wife, stops all communication with his first wife and children, is dependent and led. Someday he might do the same to you. It is much better when a man in his second marriage takes a strong paternal position in relation to children from his first marriage and knows how to build a “civilized” communication with his first wife.

7. If children are born in your marriage, you should not demand that they be somehow more important to him than the first. Often women say: "But now we need you more than he (the first child)." You have no right to require them to take a seat that is already taken. The place of the first child is already taken, your child has his own place. The father should be able to communicate both with his own children and with your common ones.

Often a child is only a pretext in the struggle between the "past" and the "present". The man is in the middle, acting as the "grand prize". Some people like it, but, as a rule, this role is extremely uncomfortable for a man. If the struggle goes beyond reasonable limits, the second marriage will be in jeopardy, but the first wife will not score "points". And most importantly, children suffer in these relationships - both from the first marriage and from the second.

To build a relationship with both women, save a second marriage and the well-being of children, you can offer men the following tips:

1. Having entered into a second marriage, do not forget that you and your first wife remain parents (although they have ceased to be spouses).

2. Treat your first wife with respect, no matter what actions she does in the first time after your separation.

3. Try to develop and support the desire of the second wife to communicate with your children from the first marriage. It's good when this communication develops, but you should not demand great love and attitude towards your children as if they were your own. Give your wife compliments, mark all successful attempts to establish communication with the child.

4. Try to make the relationship transparent. Often, second wives are jealous of the first, fearing the restoration of relations, so they try to limit communication with children from their first marriage. It is in your power to convince your new wife that she is the main woman for you now. Being confident that you treat the first wife only as the mother of your children, she will be much more relaxed about both the children and the former wife herself.

5. It must be understood that the second wife will never treat her husband's children from her first marriage in the same way as her own. This will again be an attempt to confuse the hierarchy, but on the part of the man. In the second wife's family system, her child would be the first for her, and the man's child would be only a side branch from his first marriage.

6. If a child is born in a second marriage, a man often worries whether the firstborn will consider himself unnecessary. It is enough for him to say: "You will always be the first for me." Thus, you will designate his role in the hierarchy of your children, "first" in this case is not a synonym for the word "main". But it helps the child to calm down and feel needed.

All recommendations are based on the system-phenomenological approach and the family constellation method of Bert Hellinger. The main thing to understand is that the painful feeling of guilt is disguised as pride and rejection of past relationships. On this occasion, B. Hellinger writes: “New relationships succeed best if new partners admit their guilt, and also understand that it is impossible to do without guilt here. Then the relationship takes on a different depth and there are fewer illusions.”

The second relationship is qualitatively different, but this does not mean that they will be less happy.

// Yulia Vasilkina, "Psychology for every day" No. 5, 2008

Have you experienced similar problems with your spouse's children from your first marriage and with his first wife? How did you act in this situation? What would you advise in response to the given examples? Discuss in the comments to the article!

You can also discuss this topic with other readers on

One of the most frequent problems is the relationship of second wives with children from the first marriage and their mothers. Two women (first and second wives) often cannot share a man and his free time. A significant part of the negative emotions goes to the child from the first marriage, since it is he who becomes the bone of contention. Today we will talk about how to build relationships for all participants in the process so that children do not suffer from "adult games", and what needs to be done to save a second marriage.

photo bank LORI

Everyone has their own place

Kirill, 32 years old:“I have a seven-year-old son from my first marriage, whom I, at his request, took to live with me last summer. The first wife married a man whom the child does not perceive. At that time, I had already married a second time. My wife is not happy and has now stated that if we do not have a child of our own, then she is leaving. We have been married for two years. I’m afraid that my son will feel his uselessness, and I’m tired of being torn between a child and a wife.”

Alena, 25 years old:“Our boy is one and a half years old. This is the second marriage for the husband and there is a child from the first marriage, a girl of twelve years. We fight all the time just because of her. Reasons: he lives in two families, cannot say goodbye to his first wife, she constantly calls him, with or without reason. It seems to him that I have a “not so” attitude towards his daughter, when asked what is wrong, he is silent. He works late, leaves early, and on the only day off he demands that I do not interfere with him to spend time with his daughter, he wants to go somewhere with her. But we also need a dad and a husband, now I have tantrums. My husband already wants to divorce me because of his first daughter.”

These two letters are a look from different angles at the same problem: tense relations in the triangle "first wife - second wife - man." Let's try to understand the situation, and for this we need to introduce the concept of "family system", otherwise - kind. What is it? The family system is like a family tree if you draw it on paper. It includes:

the person whose system we are drawing;
all his brothers and sisters, including those born out of wedlock;
his parents, their siblings and their families, and grandparents;
spouses (first, second, third), as well as significant love relationships, due to separation from which marriages were formed or in which children were born (or an abortion was made).

So, the first and second wives are united by one family system. If you look at the drawn diagram (see in the magazine), it becomes obvious that everyone has their own place in it. Accordingly, each of the wives has her own place in the system. And common children from the first marriage are also forever in their place. As well as children from a second marriage - in their place. Talking about this system, I deliberately do not use the term "ex" wife, since there are no "former" in the family system, it includes all its members, even the dead. And wives and husbands have places in it: first, second, third. But not like on a podium, but only talking about the order of appearance in it.

When people divorce, they cease to be husband and wife, but remain forever the first husband and first wife in the family system common to them. And they will forever remain the parents of their children. The laws of the family system are as follows: the one who came later must respect the one who was already before him. This means that the first wife is always in her place. The second wife does not take her place, she has her own place in the system - under the second number. If the second wife understands this, then this marriage is usually quite stable. If there is no understanding and a woman tries to be in a place that does not belong to her, the marriage falls apart sooner or later.

Olga, 24 years old:“My young man has been divorced for six months, they have a son 1.5 years old. He loves the child very much and comes there every Sunday, plays with him, helps financially. I don't mind them dating my son, but his ex-wife still loves him. She always calls him herself, asks if he will come to them for the weekend, constantly writes him all sorts of nonsense, what happens to the child, how he got up and fell, what he ate, where he crawled. Gets him every way! This irritates me greatly. It seems that when he comes to them, she rejoices more for herself than for her son. He also says that he will wait for him as long as it takes. She seems to be trying all the time to find a crack in our relationship and destroy, quarrel us. He consoles me in every possible way, swears that he will never return to her, that he loves only me and no one else is needed, that I am an ideal for him. But I still do not find a place for myself when he is there.

So, we have before us the standard, if I may say so, experiences typical of second wives or new girlfriends of men. How to behave towards the first wife and children from the first marriage in order to maintain a relationship with the beloved man?

You must accept your husband along with past marriages and children from them. The past is something that cannot be undone. If you do not accept his past, then you do not accept him completely ("here - I love, but here - I do not love"). You knew about your husband's past and you have to live with him.
It must be remembered that his former wife is not obliged to take care of your psychological well-being. She has her own truth, she doesn’t care about your feelings, she won’t take them into account, and you shouldn’t hope for a single minute.
If you have aggression towards her, then this feeling is guilt that you do not allow yourself to come to the fore. She is the victim in this situation. Only at her expense and at the expense of their common child do you build your relationship. Treat it with responsibility and respect.
The first wife and your husband have the right to communicate about the upbringing of their children. Moreover, they must do so in order to preserve the welfare of the children. The first wife has the right to call your house, tell your father about what is happening to them, and ask for help if necessary. Be loyal.
Do not limit your spouse in communicating with children from his first marriage. Try to establish communication with children, but communication, and not just giving gifts, sweets and entertainment. It may be that the first wife will be against the fact that the child communicates with you. This is especially true in the first year after a divorce. Do not insist or be offended, let the father communicate on his own.
Remember that a man who, for the sake of his second wife, stops all communication with his first wife and children, is dependent and led. Someday he might do the same to you. It is much better when a man in his second marriage takes a strong paternal position in relation to children from his first marriage and knows how to build a “civilized” communication with his first wife.
If children are born in your marriage, you should not demand that they be in some way more important to him than the first. Often women say: “But now we need you more than he (the first child).” You have no right to require them to take a seat that is already taken. The place of the first child is already taken, your child has his own place. The father should be able to communicate both with his own children and with your common ones.

Often a child is only a pretext in the struggle between the "past" and the "present". The man is in the middle, acting as the "grand prize". Some like it, but, as a rule, this role is extremely uncomfortable for a man. If the struggle goes beyond reasonable limits, the second marriage will be in jeopardy, but the first wife will not score "points". And most importantly, children suffer in these relationships - both from the first marriage and from the second.

To build a relationship with both women, save a second marriage and the well-being of children, you can offer men the following tips:

having entered into a second marriage, do not forget that you and your first wife remain parents (although they have ceased to be spouses);
treat your first wife with respect, no matter what actions she does in the first time after your separation;
try to develop and support the desire of the second wife to communicate with your children from the first marriage. It's good when this communication develops, but you should not demand great love and attitude towards your children as if they were your own. Give your wife compliments, mark all successful attempts to establish communication with the child;
try to make the relationship transparent. Often, second wives are jealous of the first, fearing the restoration of relations, so they try to limit communication with children from their first marriage. It is in your power to convince your new wife that she is the main woman for you now. Being sure that you treat the first wife only as the mother of your children, she will be much more calm about both the children and the former wife herself;
it must be understood that a second wife will never treat her husband's children from her first marriage in the same way as her own. This will again be an attempt to confuse the hierarchy, but on the part of the man. In the second wife's family system, her child would be the first for her, and the man's child would be only a side branch from his first marriage;
if a child is born in a second marriage, a man often worries whether the firstborn will consider himself unnecessary. It is enough for him to say: "You will always be the first for me." Thus, you will designate his role in the hierarchy of your children, "first" in this case is not a synonym for the word "main". But it helps the child to calm down and feel needed.

The second relationship is qualitatively different, but this does not mean that they will be less happy.

Hey!
Need advice to my girlfriend, and tk. She doesn't have a LiveJournal account, I'm writing from mine. She will read the notes.
I need advice from girls who have been in my situation. I am married, and now my husband and I are expecting the birth of our common baby. I have a daughter from my first marriage, she is 4. I have been together with my second husband for a little over a year. And from the very beginning, he disliked her. Never tried to get in touch with her. Communicates with her very strictly and only on business. He does not react at all to her tenderness and love towards him. By the way, he also had a son in a previous marriage, a year older. I see him once a week or two, our children have become friends, we often spend weekends together. The father of my daughter, on the contrary, withdrew himself, he sees the child less and less. even though he loves her.
The other day I tried to convince my husband that he needs to try to improve relations with my daughter. To which she met a categorical rebuff, a terrible scandal. He said that this is MY child, and he does not want to fix anything with her. I don't understand where this hatred comes from? He has been raising her for a year already, so that she obeys him the first time. She is a very kind, affectionate, talkative girl. Without diagnoses, absolutely wonderful sympathetic child. She loves him very much, meets him from work, runs around his neck and hugs and kisses him. He won't even look in her direction.
I don't know how to live with it, it's all a knife to my heart. He categorically does not want to change his attitude towards her - he claims that she herself is to blame for his such attitude. I do not understand how a three-year-old child could cause the hatred of an adult man? Yes, when we met, she had a difficult period, she had just recently divorced her ex-husband, she was worried, often cried, at first she did not really perceive him.
And now she loves it. And he pushes her away. However, a year ago he repelled
Basically, I don't know what to do. He definitely won't go to a psychologist. Doesn't hear me. He considers himself right.

UPD under the cut
My husband loves me, I love my husband too. This situation, of course, has been raging in me for a year now, periodically calming down, I try not to heat up the situation, separate my daughter and husband, I try to pay maximum attention to both her and him. It’s just that there are moments when you don’t have the strength to keep it in yourself, it becomes very insulting to reject my daughter, when it starts to show through in all his behavior, she just annoys him. Therefore, I try to distance myself and so that they do not particularly intersect at home. But this is morally difficult for me - the feeling that I have two families.

he says I want too much from him this past year.

As for BM - I strongly encourage them to meet with their daughter, I myself suggest that he take her periodically, I explain that the child grows up without a father. To which I get an inadequate reaction (as a friend wrote above - OH YOU DO NOT NEED IT, SHE INTERVENES YOU TO LIVE! YOU ARE A TERRIBLE MOTHER! A DISGUSTING PERSON! WHAT can you give her? Give her to me! , give me your daughter!) well, and no matter how eager to take her anyway, that’s why I don’t offer more (the more often I offer, the less often they see each other in general). When I’m with my daughter, I never swear at him, I always only say good things about my dad (Mommy, I missed daddy so much, why doesn’t he come to me for so long? - Daughter, dad just has sooo many things to do. as soon as he is free, he will definitely come, he misses you too). And so every time. By the way, BM was an ideal husband, an ideal father in marriage. I won’t say a single bad word about him over the years of marriage - just don’t find fault. But after I decided to divorce him, they changed him. For the second year, I’m sorry, it climbs out of him that the hair on the head of all relatives and mutual acquaintances moves from him ...

There is no one else in the city now. Grandmother (my mother) loves her daughter to the point of losing consciousness, but she now lives on the other side of the country.

I don’t depend on my husband financially, we live in my living space, I’ll officially go on maternity leave, we won’t die of hunger in general with my daughter, if I don’t really count on alimony.
By the way, my husband is a former military man. And in the family they always had the strictest discipline: he, as the youngest child, was responsible for the perfect cleanliness in the house, at the slightest jambs he received a slipper on the pope or a belt. In his family, it is not customary to express feelings, love, no "sentiment". At first, he and in our relationship with him were very surprised and pleased by the moments that were familiar and normal for me as a normal woman, there were a lot of frank sincere conversations in which we recognized each other. But over time, he "closed" back to sincerity and became outwardly callous and rude again. Again, in his family and in his life in general, he had no experience with girls. And my exhortations that the girl should be gently and affectionately run into misunderstanding - even when he tries to play with her or make fun of her, it turns out to be rude and she cries (and he again stops trying to play or make fun of her - a vicious circle.

photo bank LORI

Everyone has their own place

the person whose system we are drawing;
all his brothers and sisters, including those born out of wedlock;
his parents, their siblings and their families, and grandparents;
spouses (first, second, third), as well as significant love relationships, due to separation from which marriages were formed or in which children were born (or an abortion was made).

When people divorce, they cease to be husband and wife, but remain forever the first husband and first wife in the family system common to them. And they will forever remain the parents of their children. The laws of the family system are as follows: the one who came later must respect the one who was already before him. This means that the first wife is always in her place. The second wife does not take her place, she has her own place in the system - under the second number. If the second wife understands this, then this marriage is usually quite stable. If there is no understanding and a woman tries to be in a place that does not belong to her, the marriage falls apart sooner or later.

You must accept your husband along with past marriages and children from them. The past is something that cannot be undone. If you do not accept his past, then you do not accept him completely ("here - I love, but here - I do not love"). You knew about your husband's past and you have to live with him.
It must be remembered that his former wife is not obliged to take care of your psychological well-being. She has her own truth, she doesn’t care about your feelings, she won’t take them into account, and you shouldn’t hope for a single minute.
If you have aggression towards her, then this feeling is guilt that you do not allow yourself to come to the fore. She is the victim in this situation. Only at her expense and at the expense of their common child do you build your relationship. Treat it with responsibility and respect.
The first wife and your husband have the right to communicate about the upbringing of their children. Moreover, they must do so in order to preserve the welfare of the children. The first wife has the right to call your house, tell your father about what is happening to them, and ask for help if necessary. Be loyal.
Do not limit your spouse in communicating with children from his first marriage. Try to establish communication with children, but communication, and not just giving gifts, sweets and entertainment. It may be that the first wife will be against the fact that the child communicates with you. This is especially true in the first year after a divorce. Do not insist or be offended, let the father communicate on his own.
Remember that a man who, for the sake of his second wife, stops all communication with his first wife and children, is dependent and led. Someday he might do the same to you. It is much better when a man in his second marriage takes a strong paternal position in relation to children from his first marriage and knows how to build a “civilized” communication with his first wife.
If children are born in your marriage, you should not demand that they be in some way more important to him than the first. Often women say: “But now we need you more than he (the first child).” You have no right to require them to take a seat that is already taken. The place of the first child is already taken, your child has his own place. The father should be able to communicate both with his own children and with your common ones.

To build a relationship with both women, save a second marriage and the well-being of children, you can offer men the following tips:

having entered into a second marriage, do not forget that you and your first wife remain parents (although they have ceased to be spouses);
treat your first wife with respect, no matter what actions she does in the first time after your separation;
try to develop and support the desire of the second wife to communicate with your children from the first marriage. It's good when this communication develops, but you should not demand great love and attitude towards your children as if they were your own. Give your wife compliments, mark all successful attempts to establish communication with the child;
try to make the relationship transparent. Often, second wives are jealous of the first, fearing the restoration of relations, so they try to limit communication with children from their first marriage. It is in your power to convince your new wife that she is the main woman for you now. Being sure that you treat the first wife only as the mother of your children, she will be much more calm about both the children and the former wife herself;
it must be understood that a second wife will never treat her husband's children from her first marriage in the same way as her own. This will again be an attempt to confuse the hierarchy, but on the part of the man. In the second wife's family system, her child would be the first for her, and the man's child would be only a side branch from his first marriage;
if a child is born in a second marriage, a man often worries whether the firstborn will consider himself unnecessary. It is enough for him to say: "You will always be the first for me." Thus, you will designate his role in the hierarchy of your children, "first" in this case is not a synonym for the word "main". But it helps the child to calm down and feel needed.

The second relationship is qualitatively different, but this does not mean that they will be less happy.

It is impossible, of course, to generalize and equalize everyone: everyone has their own story. And there are many who were not disappointed in love and did not become afraid of marriage after the first unsuccessful experience, but, having children from their first marriage, decided on a new relationship. The reasons for this are different: someone meets "true love", and someone is just looking for a second parent for their children.

As a rule, young people enter into a second marriage with greater responsibility, realizing by this time that family life is not only legalized love, but also life, chores, worries and a joint wallet. Even more serious about the second marriage are people who already have children.

Alena and Alexey

Alena, marrying Alexei, could not imagine that his 7-year-old son from his first marriage, Zhenya, would become a “bone of contention” in their family, because until they legalized their relationship, Alena and Zhenya were doing pretty well in their relationship ...

“I was 25 years old, Lesha 29. He did not hide from me that he was divorced and had a child. We met for six months before he introduced me to his son. We became friends with Zhenya, I was glad when Lesha took his son and we the three of us spent time, the child did not interfere with us at all. I did not pretend to be a mother, I did not undertake to raise Zhenya I thought I didn't have the right to.

Today our daughter is one and a half years old, and our marriage is on the verge of divorce. Zhenya lives with us, and I am engaged in his upbringing. Lesha's first wife said that since Lesha arranged his personal life while she was taking care of the child, now it was his turn to take care of him, and she would live for herself and build a new family, although she had not yet met her other half . She takes Zhenya to her only when she wants to introduce him to her next boyfriend.

I am now on parental leave, and the upbringing and care of Zhenya is also on me. Husband disappears from work. Zhenya does not listen to me, to all my remarks he says that I am not his mother and he is not obliged to obey me. The husband answers all my tears and requests to talk to his son at best: "Deal with it yourself", and at worst, he blames me for treating Zhenya badly. Probably, if we had discussed everything at once and decided, then now such a situation would not exist. Husband, as soon as Zhenya began to live with us, it was necessary to explain to the child that since I will be engaged in his upbringing, then I need to obey. Now I do not know what will save our marriage ... ".

Svetlana and Dmitry

Svetlana had the opposite situation: she divorced her first husband, the child remained with her: “With my first husband, our relationship developed rapidly: love turned our heads, after 7 months we signed and began to live together. Soon Kristinka appeared. But how quickly love came, she left so quickly. I looked at my daughter and wondered: how can I love a child so much and not love her father a bit. We divorced without quarrels, the former did not claim to have a daughter. I was not looking for love, my goals in life were work and raising a child. I worked for one and a half rates at work and interrupted by various part-time jobs, I devoted every free minute to my daughter. There was no one to help. My daughter introduced me to Dima: while I was choosing something in the store, she moved away from me and took the hand of an unfamiliar man. I still don’t know why she did this: Kristinka, like any child, could “confuse her mother” in the store - grab someone else’s aunt by the arm or leg, but her uncle - for the first time.

We met with Dima for two months, then moved in together: he moved from his three-room apartment to my two-room apartment, because I insisted on it. I didn't want to take my daughter to him. Honestly, then I did not believe my luck and was very afraid. There were also such thoughts: “But we will quarrel, and he will kick us out with my daughter! But I don’t want that! It’s better we kick him out of our apartment!”

Before he moved his things, we discussed all the nuances so that our relations would be completely clear. We agreed that Kristinka would not call him dad, that he would participate in raising my daughter, but would never raise a hand against my daughter for educational purposes, that we would go on vacation with our daughter, and our parents would not interfere in our family life. Last year we celebrated five years of marriage. I am happy: my daughter has grown up and calls Dima dad, they are very friendly. Our Earring is already two months old. And I'm damn pleased when my husband says "our children"!"

Natalia and Denis

Natalia also shared her story and the secret of a happy marriage with her second husband:

“A man must understand that he marries not just a woman, but a woman with a child. My Denis did not listen to anyone when he decided to marry me. Friends and relatives dissuaded, saying, they say, "why do you need a trailer?", "You will find a girl without a burden." But he fell in love not only with me, but also with my children. Divorce does not always mean that children are left without a father. After the divorce, my ex-husband did not abandon the children, but took on certain obligations: to help financially and participate in their upbringing. We agreed that we would clarify all controversial issues in a calm atmosphere and not in front of children.

In general, I think that first you need to resolve all issues with your ex-husband. Dot the i's. And only then, when you put things in order with the past, you can take on the construction of a new life and new relationships. With Denis, I also decided to first discuss everything, and not follow the lead of love and turn off the mind. Love is love, but family is different. We agreed that he is not obliged to spend money on my children, he can give gifts when he wants to. Denis takes my children for granted: without paternal awe, but with the responsibility of an adult, he takes care of them. All instructions and serious conversations are the work of my first husband. Denis does not pay for the education of children, again, this is the responsibility of their father. But we never once had a conversation that children interfere with our marriage. If Denis has a day off, then he takes care of the children.

I know that he will feed them and make sure that the younger one learns her lessons. My ex and my current husband treat each other normally: friendship, of course, is out of the question, but in general everything is calm and quiet. I asked both of them to respect my past and present, and it seems they listened. Now, when I see how Denis treats my children, I understand that I am ready to become a mother of our common children. I'm sure of him: he won't leave us."

Elizabeth and Oleg

Oleg, in order to save his second marriage, had to conduct an educational conversation with his daughter from his first marriage more than once: “Student time, beautiful girlfriend ... I got pregnant. I didn’t love Lyuba, but it just so happened that I took her down the aisle. could be about giving birth to a child out of wedlock. Well, so what? We lived a year, but both howled from this family life. I dangled from morning to night for part-time jobs, she left the university, sat at home. There was nothing left of the beautiful girl and trace: she gained weight, stopped taking care of herself at all. One evening we sat down at the negotiating table. According to it, it was decided to get a divorce.

Later, true love happened in my life, I met the one I wanted to marry - for love! At first, the relationship developed well: Lisa seemed to make friends with her daughter, pampered Masha with gifts - she would give perfume, then jewelry. And I was so happy when my daughter asked: "Dad, are you happy with Lisa? Do you love her?" I tell her: "I'm happy, I love you," and my daughter answered: "Well, if you're happy, then I'm happy too!"

And then everything changed dramatically. A couple of days before the wedding, Masha began to arrange concerts: she tried to tell nasty things about Lisa, then she announced that she would not go to the wedding at all. At the wedding, however, my daughter was, however, with such an expression on her face, as if at my funeral, and not at the wedding!

After the wedding, things got even worse: every visit of the daughter resulted in a scandal. She reproached Lisa for being a bad housewife, spending too much money... Lisa cried, packed her things and was about to leave. Five times exactly. I begged you to stay. I couldn’t be rude to my daughter, because I always felt guilty that she didn’t grow up in a complete family, and maybe I didn’t give her all the fatherly love and affection that I should have. But I was not ready to lose a loved one either. And so we lived: for a week or two soul to soul with Lisa, then our daughter came and screams and tears began again in our house. I tried to talk to my daughter, explaining that I love her and my wife.

In the end, I decided that since my daughter does not want to communicate with Lisa, then we need to limit their communication. I lived with Lisa, and spent time with my daughter separately, she did not come to us. It took 3 years before the daughter came to terms with the fact that her father has a beloved woman. When Lisa became pregnant, Masha herself expressed a desire to come to visit us. Today, Masha no longer brings contention into our marriage with Lisa, she sincerely loves her brother and nurses him with pleasure. Let the relationship between Lisa and Masha not be ideal, but nevertheless I achieved my goal: Masha began to respect my personal life, stopped being jealous of me for Lisa and no more tantrums and tears in my house!

According to the National Statistical Committee of the Republic of Belarus, in January-February 2013 compared to the same period last year, the number of registered marriages increased by 21.3%, the number of divorces decreased by 12.2%. In January-February 2013, there were 535 divorces per 1000 marriages, in January-February 2012 - 739 divorces.

The second marriage - the thought of it attracts and scares at the same time. What if everything repeats in it again, what if it falls apart like the first one? Undoubtedly, this alarms many and makes them think about a second marriage more seriously.

Today I want to talk to you about the problems that arise in a second marriage, as well as how to make a second marriage much happier than the first.

Why can a second marriage be happier than the first?

Firstly, the second marriage is the result of negative experiences from the first. A man and a woman already know the “pitfalls” of marriage, they understand in what matters they need to be more careful.

Secondly, both already have a deep understanding of what marriage is and who they are. Spouses understand that they need to work on relationships in marriage, and at the same time pay attention to their self-development in order to make the family happy.

Thirdly, a man and a woman want to do everything right for the second time. And this is a good setting for many years of living together, where people will try to make each other's life better.

Some people who have entered into a second marriage have a special feeling of gratitude to the spouse that he met on their way. They are madly in love with him and are loved themselves - and this is very important to feel in the family.

Why do some second marriages still fall apart?

Spouses in the second marriage, as in the first, go with the flow. They did not draw a conclusion from the previous relationship, did not understand why their happiness collapsed.

A man and a woman did not realize that it is also necessary to work on harmony, understanding, respect and love, and not let everything take its course. Relationships also need daily care and attention, like small children who simply cannot survive without parental care.

It is also important not to fall into illusions. When we are in love, it seems to us that it will last forever. But as soon as the biochemical processes in our body subside, everything changes. Where did that love and euphoria go?!

It is important to accept your partner for who they are. Do not hang your beliefs on him, do not put on rose-colored glasses so that you do not look at your spouse with disappointment in your eyes when we take them off.

It is necessary to rid ourselves of the insults that the first spouse (wife) inflicted on us, when it hurts and we really want to forget everything. But forgetting, often, does not occur, but there is a constant subconscious comparison of the first spouse with the second. Transferring one’s negative feelings, beliefs (“you are as irresponsible as he is”, “you can’t be relied on either”, “you can’t be trusted either”, etc.) has a bad effect on the relationship between a man and a woman. You need to recognize the hurt, forgive and move on.

Some husbands or wives cannot get along with children from their first marriage. Against this background, conflicts often arise between spouses. The result is that the marriage breaks up. To prevent this from happening, let's delve into the problems of relationships with children from the first marriage and find out what can and cannot be done.

Children from first marriage

When a woman and a man with a child enter into a second marriage, difficulties often arise in the family. If the child lives with the mother, the husband constantly maintains contact with the child and, of course, sees his ex-wife. A new wife may become jealous of a rival, an invisible war of two women for one man begins.

It is important to understand that the husband and his ex-wife will forever remain parents for the child. And that will always bring them together. The second wife must realize and accept this. She will never take the place of the first wife, but she can become for her husband the one he dreamed of, and who the predecessor did not become.

A similar situation occurs when a man and a woman with a child marry.

No less sad is the situation when a child from a first marriage lives with the newlyweds. In order to prevent hostility and misunderstanding between the new husband (wife) and the child, you should explain to the latter why you are getting married a second time and how important this person is to you. Indeed, many children believe that they are forced to live with a stranger to them, often do not respect him and regret that their parent married a second time.

If the child is under 3 years old, make the “dad swap” almost invisible to him. Do not abruptly separate the child from his own father, but also accustom him to the new. Let him see them both. A child at this age erases everything bad from memory and dwells on good memories.

With an older child, it's more difficult.

If this is a 5 year old son or daughter, say that the new man in your life is your friend. Let the child first get used to him as a friend, and then as a new dad. It is not necessary for him at this age to explain what a difficult life and its unknown twists and turns.

The teenager should be told everything as it is. A child at this age is already old enough to understand the gravity of the situation.

Few people think about how it is "not sweet" for the new dad. After all, he came to the family with already formed foundations, plus he still needs to win the love and respect of the child.

First, you need to clearly understand that you are marrying not just a woman, but a woman with a child. If there is even the slightest doubt that you will not love this child, you should stop and think it over well.

Second, be calm. Your feelings are visible to the naked eye. If you truly love your new wife, the child will see this and understand that his mother is happy, that she is taken care of, and will accept you.

But what should the new dad do when the conflict has already arisen?

Again, act deliberately, do not climb into the child's soul, do not be led by his provocations. Communicate, behave with restraint and dignity, show restraint, skillfully translate topics. Sooner or later, the child will get tired of waging a "cold war" and he will accept a new father. Children, even harmful ones, are simple-hearted and more understandable than adults.

More difficulties arise when there are already children from a second marriage, and they continue to be brought up in the same family with children from the first.

Children from second marriage

It is a big mistake for a woman to believe that the relationship of her new husband with a child from her first marriage will improve if the woman gives birth to a common child. As statistics show, the opposite is true.

The appearance of a common child in the second marriage is painfully reflected in the psyche of the child from the first marriage. He sees so little with his own father, and now his mother pays less attention to him.

What should mom do?

During pregnancy, the mother needs to prepare the older child for the arrival of a new family member.

It is not necessary to load the child from the first marriage with the care of the baby. So often the elder has jealousy towards the latter, and then aggression towards him.

Ideal options in such a situation would be the help of a nanny or grandmother. Only not the separation of the eldest child from the family, but the periodic arrivals of an assistant who takes care of either the eldest or the youngest child. It is important that the child from the first marriage remains in the family, so that he is constantly in contact with his mother.

Help the child from the first marriage get used to the appearance of a small one. During this period, the elder will become moody, naughty, irritable, anxious and aggressive. Don't be too hard on him during this difficult time for him.

Natalia Matvienko website specially for women's online magazine

Alena and Alexey

Svetlana and Dmitry

Natalia and Denis

Natalia also shared her story and the secret of a happy marriage with her second husband:

Elizabeth and Oleg

Oleg, in order to save his second marriage, had to conduct an educational conversation with his daughter from his first marriage more than once: “Student time, beautiful girlfriend ... I got pregnant. I didn’t love Lyuba, but it just so happened that I took her down the aisle. could be about giving birth to a child out of wedlock. Well, what then? We lived a year, but both howled from this family life. I wandered from morning to night for part-time jobs, she left the university, sat at home. There was no beauty left of the beautiful girl and trace: she gained weight, stopped taking care of herself at all. One evening we sat down at the negotiating table. By mutual agreement, it was decided to get a divorce.

According to the National Statistical Committee of the Republic of Belarus, in January-February 2013 compared to the same period last year, the number of registered marriages increased by 21.3%, the number of divorces decreased by 12.2%. In January-February 2013, there were 535 divorces per 1000 marriages, in January-February 2012 - 739 divorces.

GIRLS, THE PROBLEM RAISED IN THE ARTICLE IS NOT EASY)))) THEREFORE, I PLEASE SPEAK OUT AS WELL AS CORRECTLY)))) WITHOUT SRACH))))

Everyone has their own place

Kirill, 32 years old:

“I have a seven-year-old son from my first marriage, whom I, at his request, took to live with me last summer. The first wife married a man whom the child does not perceive. At that time, I had already married a second time. My wife is not happy and has now stated that if we do not have a child of our own, then she is leaving. We have been married for two years. I’m afraid that my son will feel his uselessness, and I’m tired of being torn between a child and a wife.”

Alena, 25 years old:

“Our boy is one and a half years old. This is the second marriage for the husband and there is a child from the first marriage, a girl of twelve years. We fight all the time just because of her. Reasons: he lives in two families, cannot say goodbye to his first wife, she constantly calls him, with or without reason. It seems to him that I have a “not so” attitude towards his daughter, when asked what is wrong, he is silent. He works late, leaves early, and on the only day off he demands that I do not interfere with him to spend time with his daughter, he wants to go somewhere with her. But we also need a dad and a husband, now I have tantrums. My husband already wants to divorce me because of his first daughter.”

The person whose system we are drawing;

All his brothers and sisters, including those born out of wedlock;

His parents, their siblings and their families, and grandparents;

Spouses (first, second, third), as well as significant love relationships, due to separation from which marriages were formed or in which children were born (or an abortion was made).

So, the first and second wives are united by one family system. If you look at the drawn diagram (see below), it becomes obvious that everyone has their own place in it. Accordingly, each of the wives has her own place in the system. And common children from the first marriage are also forever in their place. As well as children from a second marriage - in their place.

When people divorce, they cease to be husband and wife, but remain forever the first husband and first wife in the family system common to them. And they will forever remain the parents of their children. The laws of the family system are as follows: the one who came later must respect the one who was already before him. This means that the first wife is always in her place. The second wife does not take her place, she has her own place in the system - under the second number. If the second wife understands this, then this marriage is usually quite stable. If there is no understanding and a woman tries to be in a place that does not belong to her, the marriage falls apart sooner or later.

Olga, 24 years old:

“My young man has been divorced for six months, they have a son 1.5 years old. He loves the child very much and comes there every Sunday, plays with him, helps financially. I don't mind them dating my son, but his ex-wife still loves him. She always calls him herself, asks if he will come to them for the weekend, constantly writes him all sorts of nonsense, what happens to the child, how he got up and fell, what he ate, where he crawled. Gets him every way! This irritates me greatly. It seems that when he comes to them, she rejoices more for herself than for her son. He also says that he will wait for him as long as it takes. She seems to be trying all the time to find a crack in our relationship and destroy, quarrel us. He consoles me in every possible way, swears that he will never return to her, that he loves only me and no one else is needed, that I am an ideal for him. But I still do not find a place for myself when he is there.

3. If you have aggression towards her, then this feeling is guilt that you do not allow yourself to release to the fore. She is the victim in this situation. Only at her expense and at the expense of their common child do you build your relationship. Treat it with responsibility and respect.

To build a relationship with both women, save a second marriage and the well-being of children, you can offer men the following tips:

1. Having entered into a second marriage, do not forget that you and your first wife remain parents (although they have ceased to be spouses);

2. Treat your first wife with respect, no matter what actions she does in the first time after your separation;

4 Try to make the relationship "transparent". Often, second wives are jealous of the first, fearing the restoration of relations, so they try to limit communication with children from their first marriage. It is in your power to convince your new wife that she is the main woman for you now. Being sure that you treat the first wife only as the mother of your children, she will be much more calm about both the children and the former wife herself;

5 you need to understand that the second wife will never treat her husband's children from her first marriage in the same way as her own. This will again be an attempt to confuse the hierarchy, but on the part of the man. In the second wife's family system, her child would be the first for her, and the man's child would be only a side branch from his first marriage;

The second relationship is qualitatively different, but this does not mean that they will

Alena and Alexey

Svetlana and Dmitry

Natalia and Denis

Elizabeth and Oleg

Why can a second marriage be happier than the first?

Why do some second marriages still fall apart?

Children from first marriage

Children from second marriage

What should mom do?

Alena and Alexey

Svetlana and Dmitry

Natalia and Denis

Elizabeth and Oleg

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