Understandable only by Russians
30 km ski race in Sapporo 1972. The story that is there in Japan is still passed down in legends. Then there were no mixed zones and press conferences, and journalists calmly wandered among the athletes right in the starting town. And suddenly, when a good half of the riders had already fled, it began to snow. Thick, sticky. And Vyacheslav Vedenin, a minute before his start, undertook to re-grease his skis. And a local journalist who speaks Russian turned to him: they say, you think he will help - is it snowing?
What Vedenin answered him, only we, in Russia, understand. And in Japan the next day the newspapers came out with headlines: “Having said Magic word"Dahusim", the Russian skier won the Olympics."
prankster
One familiar businessman, for fun, dressed up for the evening of meeting classmates as a semi-homeless person ... Without the stench, of course, but the look is specific. Even with questions about his life, no one began to pester him, the women ignored him, and the men only sympathetically poured out they say how she did fate-villain with an excellent student ...
But the guys experienced a real culture shock when, at the end of the evening, Bentley arrived for a semi-homeless person ... and leaving a hundred bucks for a tip to the waiter, he asked: “To whom in the direction of the airport? I can toss."
Elevator
Did any of the girls get stuck in an elevator for two hours with two unfamiliar cadets who had drunk a lot of beer before that?
It was a hot May evening, and my girlfriend and I unexpectedly hung between the fifth and sixth floors with these two. At first it was funny, we got to know each other and cheerfully helped the guys yell for salvation. But the cadets yelled somehow sadly and somehow doomed. And suddenly they apologized and hinted about the after-beer problem.
We are quick-witted girls: we turned away and began to snort into the corners of the elevator car. Judging by the sounds that reached us, the technology was extremely simple. After all, it’s impossible to get on the floor (we’ll suffocate), so one cadet squeezed the tight doors a little, and the second tried to get in. So the first one hit, and they switched roles. The second one also started to hit, but the comrade's fingers trembled, and he accidentally let go of the doors ... Have you ever heard a cadet screaming in the elevator in May evening? And how he jumps at the same time, how terribly the elevator staggers, what uninteresting words are said at the same time ....
In general, while the doors were being pressed, my friend and I slid to the floor with laughter and almost did wee-wee ourselves ... The elevator was turned on about three minutes after this terrible scream, which, apparently, was heard by an elevator repairman on the other side of the city ...
“256”
I'm on the tram. Winter. All in outerwear. Wrapped up. I look in front of me some bloke with a backpack. On the backpack, literally hanging on the snot, there is a flash drive, and it says “256” on it. She literally beckons herself, and beckons to take her. My stop has arrived. I have this flash drive without special efforts jerked off and walked out. I came home, put it into the computer, see what's on it - and the whole system flies for me, right down to formatting the hard drive and almost flashing the BIOS ...
Now I took this wonderful flash drive, drew “257” on it, attached it to my backpack - so that it could be easily pulled off - and every time I go with it in transport, waiting for some other mudden who wants it I have to steal…”
late for the lecture
Once I was late for a lecture on the stock market. Those. when I tumbled through the door, the teacher was already giving a lecture in full:
- ... and among Russians they are small, short, but very active ...
He saw me and stopped. Apparently, there was a slight confusion on my face, because I made a sign with my hand “come in” and continued the lecture:
- For latecomers - I remind you. We were talking here about trading futures contracts on Russian exchanges, and not at all about what made you blush.
We don't want to clean up!
United Air almost fired a jolly steward who, as the plane landed and the gangplank was raised, found nothing smarter than to say over the speakerphone:
- .... who is the last - cleans the plane!
What caused a real panic among the passengers.
Everything is relative
We had a subject in the third year - the structure of matter. Chemists need it like a cow needs eggs, so they treated him rather coolly. Most still managed to pass the test for free, but some especially gifted were not lucky. For example, two comrades studied, one of whom passed it seven times, and the second - 11 (eleven). When they passed the seventh time, the session was already underway, and the sacred ceremony took place in the teacher's lab.
The first one was interrogated rather quickly, went out into the corridor and began to expect a partner. Suddenly, the teacher leaves the room, notices the poor fellow and says:
- You're still here? Wonderful! Let's take a note! - sets off and explains:
- You see, there your friend carries such things that you are just Lomonosov compared to him!
cute hedgehog
Today, people at work talked about all sorts of funny cases with pets) And so our accountant told about his daughter's beloved cat. Well she has adult daughter, married and lives separately) And somehow her friends gave her a toy, a furry, cute hedgehog, but if you press his belly, he starts to laugh)) And her healthy cat, three years old, not neutered, but the streets and in general a free life whoever didn’t sniff suddenly flared up to this hedgehog with the most tender feelings))) Moreover, with the need to demonstrate them to others and the more others, the better) In short, as soon as guests appear in their house, the cat drags his hedgehog and publicly performs with him marital debt. And the hedgehog at the same time laughs Homeric. What happens to people watching this picture, I think you can imagine. Without even seeing it, I walk around and laugh indecently all day.
Greetings
In my punk days, I was "a fair-haired boy of eighteen". Well, more precisely, very dark-haired, hair below his shoulders and clothes jeans and a T-shirt - a complete unisex. With a face barely touched by a razor. And here I was returning somehow from the day of birth.
Well, how can punk return from a birthday? Esssssno, pretty "sweet". And in the summer twilight, which was barely filling, this miracle jumped out at me and presented its genitals. To which I, not at all surprised, silently presented mine. Probably my young and drugged brain thought it was new way such a greeting and it fit perfectly into my informal position in life
The pervert smelled and was blown away with an offended exclamation .. And I realized the events only in the morning.
Cemetery
Hear the story. The terrible truth this time. Well, who is not afraid - listen. And if anyone has nerves to hell, then, as written above, it’s better to immediately leave the limits of the site’s level. From Yaganovo to Leontyevo there are three kilometers of fields and a path. Of course, you can take a bus directly to the place, but Sanya loves this road,
train, and then walk. Because a poet. He says that when he walks like this, slowly, across the field, God whispers poems into his crown.
And what? Quite. There will pass - a couple of rhymes. Back - half a poem. So over the summer he finds a collection, in the winter he publishes, sits, smokes. And the most picturesque places, grace. Past the lake. Then a ravine, a bridge. To the right is a rural churchyard, to the left, a little further away, an old, ruined church. As a believer, and in general close to the Lord, Sanya loves to go to this abandoned church on the way. Stand under the high vaults, look at the remains of the paintings, think about the eternal.
smoke.
Here you go. And then I went at the end of August, the last train. Before that, I hadn’t been for a long time, maybe a month, well, I didn’t calculate that the day had greatly subsided. I went down to Yaganovo, the time was about midnight, the darkness was hopeless, even if it was an eye. Shivered, and went where you can go. The road is well-trodden, you can touch it. Moreover, there is no way to return anyway. Okay, go slowly, listen. Well, in a sense, all of a sudden, God has not yet gone to bed, and right now, despite the late time, she will begin to dictate rhymes to him. Ready to take shorthand. But God, take it instead, and as luck would have it - rain!
Not just rain, but downpour!
And not just a downpour, but a thunderstorm! The last August thunderstorm. Unpleasant. Lightning flashes, the rain is cold, it's squelching underfoot.
“Nothing,” Sanya thinks, “I’ll get to the church, hide, wait a little.” In the backpack there is a thermos with hot tea, a liter bottle of vodka as a gift to the owner, some food, so you can stand the night and the day, if necessary, hold out. And he adds to the move, so as not to get completely wet to the skin. And now the fences of the churchyard began to differ in flashes of lightning. Here is the ravine, here is the bridge, and here the church is within easy reach.
And then suddenly - time! Trouble! Sanya hurried along the bridge, and the bridge, well, what a bridge, two logs. Slippery, dark. And already at that edge he slipped, and right into the ravine - a slap! No, not even like that. But like this. SHLEPP! Flat. And went down the slope. The slope is a stove-maker's dream, the clay is solid.
Well, I somehow got out, not even the first time, covered in clay from head to toe. Got out, let's swear at God with annoyance. Why is there such a test instead of a rhyme? God from above gave him a lightning cock for blasphemy, and added more rain. Sanya hands to feet, "God forgive me, save me and save me," and into the church, under the vaults. He ran into the church, wiped the clay from his muzzle with his sleeve, and caught his breath. And suddenly he looks - wow! In the far aisle - light !!! Uneven such as from a fire. Sanya became anxious, listened. Light sways, shadows on the walls, and voices! Ahaaaaa!
Sanya is not a timid guy, and not superstitious, he intercepted his backpack in his hand, and quietly went into the light. Whatever, he thinks, evil spirits there may be, everything is better than back in the rain. He approaches quietly, and sees - a fire is burning, a bowler hat is hanging over the fire, four peasants are sitting on boxes near the fire, looking rather ordinary, homeless. There is a candle on the box between them, some kind of appetizer is laid out. In the corner, the shovels gleam with sharp, sharpened blades.
Relaxed at Sanya. Homeless people, not homeless people, but it is clear that people earn their living by digging graves in the cemetery. Worked for a day, rest. Well, people are also quite ordinary, if the right approach to have, everything is better than devilry. And in what form Sanya himself was at that time, so homeless compared to him, and in general, purely princes, princes-Elisei.
And Sanya decided to reveal himself to society. Especially having with him a weighty argument for dating in the face of a liter bottle of vodka. And now Sanya enters the circle of light, makes a friendly face through a thick layer of clay, and affably speaks in a voice slightly frozen in the wind.
- Greetings, good people! Let me warm up by your fire, otherwise it’s so chilly there, I don’t have the strength!
The men turned around at the voice, but instead of greeting, they suddenly froze sharply and changed a lot in their faces! They look at Sanya, fear rushed about in their eyes, the hair on the heads of those who had it began to move, one of them began to slowly crawl from the box to the ground, no one could open his mouth. Sanya feels - something is not right. Something needs to be added to defuse the tension. Is talking.
- Don't be afraid, guys, I'm with mine! - and holds out a bottle of vodka. - I'll just sit a bit, until the first roosters from strength, and go home. And then the rain there, and damp, brrrrr!
And then one of the peasants, either the eldest or the most courageous, earnestly making the sign of the cross either to himself or to Sanya, rises from the box and wheezes in a grave voice:
- WHY DID YOU DIG OUT THIS, SCAREPER???
There is no adult in the world who has not experienced funny stories at least a few times in his life. It could be unforgettable story about a first kiss, a trip to a school camp, or a story about a memorable football game; the main thing is that the story is flooded with humor and experiences of the hero. After all, when we read stories from people's lives, especially funny ones, we understand that we could be in the place of the hero. And we are very glad that we never ended up there, because you can laugh a lot at the failures of the protagonist.
Real stories
Read real stories that took place at some period in people's lives is much more interesting than reading funny jokes. Of course, an anecdote can sometimes cause contagious laughter, but it is funny story online is able to make you laugh for several hours, or even days.
I remember once reading a story from the life of a guy who was haunted by constant failures when he met with one girl, and for hours he could not calm down from laughter. I imagined the events he described, and laughter reappeared in my chest and could not subside for a long time. I even decided to download the guy's story so that I could re-read it later or show it to my friends.
Horror stories
In a special category should be included horror stories told or described real people because in them the degree of empathy reaches the limit. Separately, it should be considered Mystic stories with humor, because in them a person behaves completely unpredictably, and the reader can only laugh until colic in the stomach.
Stories about otherworldly forces, ghosts and similar creatures are the funniest of the words of the narrator, since it was he who was destined to survive those events on that ill-fated day.
Of course, some may wonder how scary stories can make a reader laugh. Naturally, if you read the story without a funny joke at the end, there is no way she can do it. However, as experience shows, free stories about ghosts end with a cheerful denouement, where an enterprising friend or just a fluttering fabric on a high-rise tree acted as a ghost. He himself personally dressed in a white sheet with painted eyes and frightened a neighbor from the ground floor in the evenings.
Best Stories
The collection of our site contains the most best stories . Which story from the life of users will seem the most fun - to decide, of course, the reader. You may want to constantly browse stories for free online on our site, as this is where the best humor on the web lies. Check it out by visiting our many sections, including free text messages and funny poems.
A good friend of mine has two aged daughters. Talking to the youngest, he calls her "bunny". Suddenly she asks her:
- And what, Lena is also a "bunny"?
A friend replies, they say, of course, too, but they say I love you both.
After thinking a little and overcoming her jealousy, the youngest agrees:
- Well, let it also be a "bunny", only gray and the front leg is broken.
My wife and I witnessed a curious scene. We are standing near the store. Several cars are parked in a row. You can hear how a subwoofer "plays" in one of them (umtsa-umtsa). And from him, another one constantly triggers an alarm. But since the impact from it (the subwoofer) is apparently insufficient to turn it into the "hysterical mode", it will scream for 15 seconds and fall silent for 5 seconds. Then it becomes a little more interesting. The owner of the car comes up with an alarm and tries to turn it off. But since the "clever-wit" (I don't know what got stuck in it), he managed to do it only after two minutes. Well, opupei apopeosis: he is leaving and we understand that "smart-smart" is heard from his own car ... That's what I understand from him musical taste... Concerto for signaling with a drum....
I'm on a crowded bus. In front of me, a girl with an attractive figure rubs her buttocks against me (forced from cramped conditions). I have, respectively, - across the legs.
Next comes the dialogue.
Young woman:
- Man, are you out of your mind, or what? What do you allow yourself?
I AM:
- You are so actively working with your hips that it is very difficult for me to control myself.
Young woman:
- Well, put at least between the rolls, otherwise it hurts.
It hits me haha.
A certain grandmother grumbles sullenly:
- Young people, have a conscience!
Me, addressing the girl:
- Sorry for the belated question, but you, by chance, are not called conscience?
The bus bursts with laughter, the curtain!
My good friend, a translator, told a story from her first trips to the homeland of Shakespeare and Newton. At that time, she worked for a foreign company, whose leadership was just about to go on their first trip to the homeland of Pushkin and Tolstoy. The chief engineer of the project, a serious and responsible person, wishing to thoroughly prepare for the trip, began to ask her questions about the peculiarities of living in Russia. Not surprisingly, one of his main concerns was the diameter of the washbasin plug. It is no less surprising that my friend could not answer this question, simply because she did not know. Do you know? The chief engineer suspected something was wrong with her unwillingness to give out this strategic secret and made several unsuccessful attempts to find out this secret from her, which tortured her in order and pretty much amused her. A little later, having gone to chat with her friend (by the way, also an Englishwoman), she, laughing, told her about the stupid questions of the chief engineer. Yes, and asked, they say, is it really impossible to wash your hands just under the tap without this stupid cork? The Englishwoman chuckled weakly at her, but then, becoming more serious, exclaimed:
- Listen, what if he wants to wash his face too?!
I'm on the subway. A guy is standing near the door, in his hands is a box from the Pioneer MP3 radio tape recorder to the car. I stand reading that this radio can and here, with the phrase "the doors are closing," some guy breaks down, snatches the box and runs into the crowd. The doors close, the train leaves. The owner of the box screams heart-rendingly:
"bitch, hamster stole!!!"
Yesterday they sent me a bouquet of flowers from work in connection with the holiday. The work is new, so I had no idea that they had such a routine. The card is packed in a plastic bag due to rain and snow.
My husband (and he is very jealous of me) asks - from whom is it? I have no idea!!! With the whole family to the kitchen, we unpack the card - I, with trembling hands, and my husband, with burning eyes.
The five-year-old son, who was watching the whole picture, decided to support his father: "Dad, what are you doing? What if someone just loves mom?" Cheered up.
A part-time student came to work in the chemical laboratory, six months left before the defense of her diploma. Did the analysis - did not turn out.
- So it is necessary to withstand it for 3 hours in a closet.
- And I kept him for 3 hours, from 8 to 10 hours.
- ???????????????
- Well, consider. 8 - one, 9 - two, 10 - three. All clear, three hours.
Higher education according to Fursenko, damn it.
My son was 4 at the time. In the same house with us lived two of his most bosom friends - Dima and Seryozha, a year older. We go for a walk with our son, he considers something, to the question “What are you muttering there?” I get the answer “Now I am 4 years old, Dima and Serezha are 5. When I am 5, they will be 6, when I am 10, they will be 11, when I will be 20, they will be 21, when I will be 60, they will be 61. And when I will be a hundred (pause), there WILL BE NO LONGER. My son always loved to count, at that moment he counted freely up to a hundred, and then he just didn’t know the count, but he got out of it.
The story about the garden inspired.
My wife left for work before me, so I took the child away.
We are getting ready in the morning, time is running out, and then we have to pee, poop, etc.
In short, he helped me get dressed, buttoned everything up, so to speak, packed it before the trip.
Winter outside -30.
We leave the house - the child rests.
I begin to persuade - he is in tears.
I don't understand, this has never happened before.
And suddenly, through tears - "DAD! AND VALENKI!!!"
A man disappeared in our village - he worked as a driver, not a fool to drink. Get out and everything. Relatives were looking for him, the police were not there.
A week later (!) the wife of the missing person heard muffled groans from the cellar. It turned out that the man climbed into the cellar for cucumbers and stumbled upon the mash. For a whole week he drank mash, ate whatever came to hand and simply was not able to climb the stairs. Yes, and the desire to go out into the light of day, apparently, was not much.
I go to the accounting department to sign a paper. Women's team. The ladies are all intelligent: you will never hear a bad word, they do not accept obscene anecdotes, thoughts are about lofty matters.
Five people available. One is writing, the other is doing a crossword puzzle, two are talking about something. Fifth is talking on the phone. Judging by her conversation, she is chatting with her husband, who is slightly ill and complains about his health.
After carefully listening to the sick man, the wife decided to calm him down:
- Don't be sad, honey. It’s better to put the #BALLNICHEK in the window and admire the beauty around: the sun is shining, the birds are singing...
I just freaked out. And, having signed the paper, he quickly dumped.
From the life of Belarusian bankers:
We sent a payment in Russian rubles through the SBRF to Privatbank - in the details of the payment it was written "for rubble" ... an MT195 request comes from Privat "we cannot identify the subject of payment" and a copy of MT100 from the SBRF is attached to it ...
I look, and there the letter "u" disappeared :)
I also could not identify the subject of payment :)
It happened in the evening on the Arkhangelsk-Moscow train in the vestibule in front of the dining car.
I went there for cigarettes. I went into the vestibule and saw three rather tipsy officers who incredibly wanted to continue the banquet and were indignant at the fact that the doors of the restaurant were closed. And they knocked on the door very delicately.
I assumed that the restaurant really could not stop working at such a time, and opened another door, which is in such a vestibule and which was not closed. It leads directly to the kitchen. I told the bartenders that the front door did not open. They quickly opened it from the inside.
The officers looked at each other in surprise, and one of them said in a slurring tongue: "But still, civilians are smarter! .."
Quarreled with her husband, sent to sleep on the sofa ...
I think I'll take him a pillow at least...
I'm sneaking... I leaned over him to slip him quietly, and he wakes up and how he yells: "SORRY... SORRY... JUST NOT SOUL!!!"
I work in a very solid state office (it will become clear which one later).
I am sitting in the waiting room of a big boss, and one of my rather numerous duties is answering questions. phone calls. There are 7 phones next to me, so I have no time to be bored. From time to time funny bells amuse me.
Here is one of them.
Trim-tryam (landline phone rings). I pick up the phone:
- Reception of such and such, good afternoon!
At the other end of the wire, an excited, but not devoid of solemnity, female voice literally says the following:
- Our girl is ready! But we thought about it and decided, we don’t need to go for her, we’ll bring her ourselves now, but where should we go?
I'm falling into a stupor...
- So ..., I'm trying to figure out - what other girl?
All sorts of bad thoughts are roaming in my head ... I squint timidly at the chief’s door, but ready girls he still makes me feel uncomfortable. A brilliant idea comes to mind - to clarify with a woman.
- Uh-uh, sorry, what kind of girl? ready for what? And by the way, where are you calling?
- This ambulance for childbirth?
(God! I didn’t even know that such a thing existed!)
I sigh with relief, and since I have no need to hide my true place of work, I honestly answer this nice lady:
- No, no, what are you, this is the Presidential Administration!
Sweetest woman hung up.
I hope her baby girl is born happily!
(Fox cub)
This is a story about one nice person who worked on the airfield in a FOLLOW ME car, sort of like an airplane valet.
And it was his birthday. A familiar pilot from a foreign flight brought this citizen a healthy bubble of whiskey.
Mikhalych (aka the parking attendant) thought - where to hide the bubble? In car? If he finds the security service, they will throw out the balls for drinking on the airfield. Take it to your closet? Or soprut or drink before the holiday. He took it and put it in his sleeve. And imperceptibly and at hand how it is heated :).
I went to meet a board that had just landed. He escorted me to the parking lot, got out, took semaphores (two flashlights that help the flyers to correctly place the steel bird) and waits for the slowly rolling board. He raises his hands up and begins to give signs to the FAC. The plane falls into place, a bottle slowly crawls out of Mikhalych's sleeve, there is no way to fix it, can you imagine the situation? The only opportunity to slightly lower the elbow and try to push it into the sleeve, pressing it against the body, which was done.
And at this time, the plane, looking at the manipulations of Mikhalych, calmly begins to go to the side and crashes into the lighting mast with the edge of the wing. The pilot, looking at the semaphore Mikhalych, realized that this was a sign of a turn and turned.
The edge of the wing is damaged, the crew is in shock, Mikhalych is no longer working.
Here is such a story.
Here, more than once and much has been said about the strange, in our opinion, behavior of Americans in a given situation. I happened to be a participant in two very similar events and now I have something to compare with how I got out of the same situation and as an American.
In short, I decided to posteb@tsya over a friend. I went to the g # th site, I register, I write his mail.
Everything would be fine if it were not for the message: "A user with this email already exists in our database."
I go to the hospital, next to the house there is a shop, on it grandmothers, as usual, see them off with piercing glances, and on the house right above the grandmothers there is an inscription - "Video surveillance".
History was in the school. Was 9th grade.
Russian lesson. One student writes phrases at the blackboard that the teacher dictates. plus sits classroom teacher. It came to the phrase Fill with Lead. Suddenly, at the moment of writing, a cry is heard from the back of the desk: "Isn't Poured with Vinets separately?"
Once I had lunch with my husband in a cafe, well, we had lunch and left, and after 2 hours it turned out that he forgot on the table there mobile phone. To everyone who called him, an honest waitress picked up the phone and said that the phone was left in the cafe.
Let's go pick it up. We got the phone back, we look at the text message that came from the husband's mother.
The text is as follows: son, I called you several times - you left the phone in a cafe, take it as soon as possible before it is stolen. :)
Just walking with my son, I heard the sound of breaking glass from the apartment on the second floor, from the side of my entrance.
A male voice follows:
- Why is it so unlucky, Lord!
So I realized that I live with cultured people.
Have a nice weekend and cultural neighbors :)
After skiing on Pukhtolova Mountain, my wife and I stopped by for lunch at a cafe on the shores of the Gulf of Finland.
She ordered veal and I ordered lamb egg kebab. Haven't tried it before, I thought it would be delicious.
The order was taken by one waitress, and the dishes, a whole tray for two tables, were brought by another. Who ordered what, she, therefore, did not know. She takes the top dish and shouts: "Who has mutton eggs?"
Well, what could I do ... I shout: "I have!" :((
One day I went to a sporting goods store. At that time, there were two buyers, me and a hefty short-haired guy who was examining a bat.
Behind my back there was a thick bass: - Everyone stand. This is a robbery.
Turning around, he saw a square man in years, with a wide smile on his face.
In the next moment, the short-haired guy gave him a bat. The man managed to look at him in surprise, the guy put him down with the second blow.
It turned out that it was the owner of the store, he went for rent, he decided to joke.
The property owner who came to his senses turned out to be a normal man, the cops were not called. He escaped with a bruise, and as he said, for a former wrestler this is not a question at all.
And the bat was presented to the guy as the best buyer.
An anecdote from life, I was a witness.
In a small bakery shop in San Francisco, bread prices @: Fresh - [$1.50], yesterday - [$1].
Grandma comes into the store and asks the saleswoman:
- Please tell me, do you have yesterday's bread?
Saleswoman: - It's over.
Granny: - Please tell me, will you still have yesterday's bread today?
The saga of how Big Man v public toilet went.
Venue: Park. In the middle of the park there is a large building of the MF type. Architecture - a large stone structure, round. The passage to the actual equipment is in a spiral along the wall. Not equipped with electricity.
Evening twilight. I approach this monument of communist architecture, tormented not by thirst, but vice versa. In front of me, in the same direction, a two-meter-long boy with a backpack is walking. Approaching the dark gloomy entrance to the "cave of natural needs", from which the aroma and suspicious whiteness on the ground spread for two meters, the kid sighs and climbs into the backpack. A respirator emerges from the backpack and is pulled over the face.
I hardly pee with laughter waiting for the kid to go inside. Bo when something like this comes from behind in the dark...
Yeah. In the dark. Wait! A headlamp with 18 blue bulbs appears from the backpack and is pulled into place. The lantern turns on and this human begins its journey through the smelly cave. I, using the backlight, fit in behind.
We go. Let's go to the urinals. We get up. From behind, where there are shocks, a clenched voice sobbing:
- B%i-i-i-i ... thank God that I'm already sitting without pants.
Does anyone remember the movie "Pitch Darkness"? There, at the very beginning, "this fucking starship" falls on a very inhospitable planet.
Here, the minibus on which I rode resembled this very spaceship. And with all the details. It is big, but there are few passengers. What is outside is not visible due to dirty windows. The bus flies at such a speed that the passengers are trying to buckle up to the seats with their own bags. Who is deprived of such an opportunity - flies around the cabin. A little more and there will be weightlessness. The GPS navigator does not have time to announce stops, it broadcasts continuously, not always hitting, and therefore wheezes and stutters.
And at the moment of a particularly complex and fast turn, inertia brings the grandfather to the place of the “pilot”. He, tightly clinging to the handrail, takes out a box of medicine from his pocket and hands it to the driver:
- Son, here good remedy from diarrhea. Have a drink. And then there are twenty people, I don’t have enough for everyone ...
atjitgtn2011
Early 90s. We sit and drink with one pretzel. He knows that I have friends in the KGB/FSB. It starts to push me, like - but I'm not afraid of them, like the times of "bloody hell are over", that's it, their time is over.
I tell him, because they are excellent psychologists, why should they scare you, they will talk to you anyway, you will tell everything that you know.
My interlocutor answers this, saying that this cannot be, I myself am still a psychologist.
Shall I give him a try? Just keep in mind that I'm not a GBshnik and you know about it in advance, so the effect is not the same.
He replied - let's try.
I begin in a sly voice:
- Did you write as a child, did your grandfather suffer from alcoholism, etc.
In general, he relaxed.
And then I howl:
- STAND UP WHEN THE COUNTERINTELLIGENCE IS TALKING TO YOU!!!
My friend stuttering jumped up and froze. Stupor for a minute.
Then, already spilling on a new one, he confessed:
- You know, I was actually frightened and somehow naturally presented myself in the dungeons of the State Security Service.
Told a friend who makes a living laying stoves and fireplaces.
He laid a fireplace for one figure. And when he was already laying out the pipe, he felt that they wanted to throw him away for money. And the baker took action.
When the matter came up for payment, it turned out that they would give him money much less than agreed.
He said, "OK, if that's the case, then try heating your fireplace."
Zhadyuga flooded the fireplace and got a room full of quality and dense smoke.
Permeated with the thought that the cunning stove-maker had blocked the chimney with something, he thrust the head into the fireplace and looked up. The answer was the blue sky in the mouth of the chimney above. Flooded again - again a full room of smoke. Again looked in a pipe - the sky is visible.
He had to give the missing money to the stove-maker.
After the calculation, the master climbed onto the roof and threw half a brick into the chimney, which broke the glass embedded inside the chimney.
Here's a straXovochka just in case.
My friend bought himself a fancy new digital camera. He notified me of this great event by telephone, as well as all our friends. In the evening we decided to get together and celebrate this matter.
I was a little late and arrived at the bar when everyone had already seen enough of the miracle of technology and it was already safely hidden in a bag. By the time of my arrival, they were already so “noted” that they naturally forgot for what reason they had gathered at all.
Sitting down at the table and holding out my hand to a friend, I said, "Darling, show me your device." In reply - Round eyes friend and the words "right here??? Can't you wait until the house?".
Everyone instantly sobered up and lay on the tables already from laughter.
Yes, the difference is in the female and male logic - I didn’t specify which device I ask to see!
At home, I showed him what to think about - ... about the photo!
Laughter is the tickle that creates good mood and specific sounds similar to a horse neighing ...
Met witch
I'm on my way to the subway. Surprisingly, there were not many people in the car. But one person attracted me. I mean, he even got bored of me! Everyone looks at me and looks, looks and looks, looks and looks…. And obviously not with loving eyes! I was about to leave... She glanced casually at his hands. They were holding a book called How to Recognize a Witch? I laughed for a long time as I got off the subway. Do I really look like a witch?
naive grandmother
My parents went on holiday to Italy. They left for a long time. For a whole month! Dacha was left to me. How glad I was! Everything would be fine…. But my grandmother came. I so suspect that my parents “rigged” it so that she looked after me. I was upset at first that my freedom had come to an end. But then she calmed down. I called my boyfriend and offered to come to my place for the night. Naturally, we went to bed. It was so good that we couldn't control ourselves. I moaned in pleasure. Loudly! And I completely forgot that my grandmother came. I don’t know how much time has passed, but then my beloved grandmother burst in. She screamed in fright: “Granddaughter, what is the matter with you? Does he offend you?"
Tesky
My girlfriend was constantly unlucky with young people. And I wanted to be lucky! I told her to ask for help, if anything. Olya took advantage of my kindness. I called one evening and asked: "can you give your brother's phone number?". I thought for a long time why she wanted it, but I gave it. Then I found out that his help was needed more than mine. She promised that she would tell everything if nothing “burned out”. It turns out that the girlfriend's plan was this: my brother will be her brother for a while so that she behaves a little more confidently. The guy was supposed to visit her! Now I'll tell you about everything in order. My brother Vitka came to her. She asked to change into home clothes so that everything was more "natural". She said: “This guy's name is Cyril. When you come, you open it, say hello and “sweep away” into the kitchen.” The brother agreed. While the waiting time ran its course…. He was drinking raspberry tea. The door rang. He opened it and asked: “Your name is Cyril? Are you with Olya? He nodded positively. The brother ran to the kitchen, adding that Olya was waiting for him. A second later, Vitek heard a long whisper, and then a whisper and laughter. It turned out that it was not the guy who came, but her dad, whose name (thanks to coincidence) was exactly the same.
Salto - malto
We went to nature to celebrate my girlfriend's birthday. Everyone gathered. The girl's dog named Alina also came. She never parted with her. It was more fun with her. Serega (Alina's brother) got pretty drunk and started walking with Rada (the dog). He walked in such a way that he made a “somersault”, clinging to the leash. It looked so natural that you could go crazy with laughter! We often remember this story. But Seryozha no longer wants it to repeat itself in reality!
Women's lotion
My husband and I came to the 24-hour supermarket to buy some groceries. I needed tampons, and I went to them first. The husband followed. See what dialogue we have as a result:
What's this? Petka asked.
Tampons! I replied outrageously.
- Why do you need them? asked the beloved (with a smile on his face).
- Don't you know what tampons are for?
- I know. I just thought it was gum (and you're kidding). Chewing gum we have - a full machine!
legless biped
This case was in traumatology. Unfortunately, I managed to visit there. In general, I lie there, I miss .... The only thing that added variety to the "ward boredom" was a cockroach. We all called him Cornflower. He settled on the windowsill and we watched him. We treated him, laying out paths from cookies. Training cockroaches, as I understand it, is quite a funny thing. I don’t know what the training would have led to, but it quickly ended. A very drunk peasant was brought to our ward (by mistake) with two broken legs. When the girl who was lying in the next bed noticed the glance of the head physician at the cockroach (who brought a new “guest”)…. She shouted very loudly: "Cornflower, run!". And the man who was brought in got up and left our room. And there was no need to explain that he was brought here by accident. And our cockroach ran away. Nobody saw him again.
Mom - "Goodbye"
A friend told me the story. She waited for the day when she had to turn in her Artyom kindergarten. She took him there by car, as it would be painful to do this in transport. Arrived normally, without incident.
Valya (my friend) took her son to the teacher. She told (in detail) what to do, how to behave, what to remember. The boy listened to everything attentively, did not interrupt and remembered.
Then the teacher took him by the hand and led him to the lockers. She asked me to choose one of them. Artyomochka walked beside them, walked…. He stopped in front of the largest one (as it seemed to him), opened it, climbed onto the shelf and shouted (closing): “Mom, goodbye!”.
crooked reflection
I am fifteen years old and my sister is seventeen. But the story is not about that! My little sister does not “take her eyes off” the mirror when she is going somewhere. If only you knew how tired I am of these traffic jams! I really wanted the approach to the mirror to be free. I went to one of the shops. I found, in short, a cool “nonsense” that needs to be pasted on a mirror and then it distorts the image (any). Sister comes to the mirror .... Imagine how she feels when she sees her twisted "image"! She was frightened, screamed and crossed herself. She doesn't fit that mirror anymore. Of course, I did not do well to my sister, but she forgave me a long time ago.
In conclusion: another funny story
Angry moth
I bought myself beautiful thing. Everyone loved it, not just me. I bought it and hung it in my closet. Three days later, a moth chewed it. Was upset. Bought new thing. A week later, and from it there were only "chunks". My husband gave me money for the third and fourth thing. The same thing happened to these things. And then it happened to me nervous collapse! The husband was very drunk. While I went (very sad) to warm up dinner for him, my husband disappeared somewhere. I was sure that he did not even leave the house to smoke! I was looking for him, I was looking for .... Finally, I looked into the locker. And he sits there, quietly hiding in a corner, and says: “I will take revenge on this creature!”.
Continuation. . .
It's just hee, hee ... -
Do not miss -
